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As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.